Poem for Narween

You know...it's strange. Narween was a made up character. She was a fictional person I created to be the odd weekend a month, to be crew with other members of LARP.

But when she died, I felt almost the same loss I felt when my nan died. It took me a good few minutes to stop crying when I left the battle and I had to really bite my lip when telling people she'd gone. Tom's reaction when I left the battle field, telling him Narween was dead...I'm sorry... made it harder for me yet to accept her death and at the muster circle, I'd gained enough control of myself to sit there and listen to what people had to say, but when the God King (the man in charge) told everyone to shout the names of those who had been killd in combat, and everyone in the GTC said Narween and the commander of the Navy reacted in shock, I dissolved and struggled yet another 10 minutes to pull myself together.
At home, the boards were read by Tom and I, and on reading that Narween had had a ship dedicated to her (Othem to be her captain) I couldn't hold back the tears.

On coming back to work, I visited Tom's blog and started to read the narrative he put down for the battle. Everything was going well until I came to the world 'Then I found Narween's body'......god...I just fell to pieces. Had to leave my desk for a few minutes to pull myself together.

Several months have passed since the Gathering and I suddenly came across a poem I'd written when I read those words above. I re-read the words and was overwhelmed with emotion. For a fictional character.

I'm going to be a complete mess at the winter Feast and watching Tom's 'Othem' in mourning over her loss. My new character is meant to be fairly chipper....but it's not going to be easy to begin with.

Anyway...here's the poem I wrote. It's not terrific but it's the closest I've come to writing something whilst feeling fairly raw emotion, so I thought it'd be a bit wrong to work on it. It's what I felt at that moment (btw Mune and Stavlan are two character who died before me in a similar yet slightly smaller battle):

I start the day anew,
I open up the box,
My eyes enjoy the narrative down,
And I see those terrible words
Then I found Narween’s body

…..

It strikes a cord,
I feel myself go dumb
At first it was just a factual thing
But now it’s set in stone

A part of me has died
An area deep within me
I still hear Othem’s angst
As his one true love is dead

Tears, they fall
From pallid features
I hear the music as it plays on
A tribute to the fallen
As at winter they will mourn

Good bye Mune
Good bye Stavlan
Good bye Narween too
You served us with all your strengths.
You will be missed
You were always loved
But now at last your end has come

Greet those you meet up there in Heaven
And prepare them for our entrance
For all those who currently live down there below
will join you
In that ever lasting kingdom

And......Relax.......

This past month or so..has...been...manic. Completely insane. I haven't had the chance to sit down and think without it being about work.
Went to America and stayed for 5 days in a gorgeous plush Four Season's Hotel where the room was as big as our flat and the bathroom itself was as big as our living room. It was HUGE. The staff were extremely courteous, genuinely, not 'I'm getting paid for this' and the houses of the company managers were IDYLIC!
What blew was getting a cold on the second or third day there so instead of being able to sleep and relax to try and combat it, I was enduring a painful throat, dizziness and runny/blocked nose everytime we went to a presentation or party.
One morning, when everyone was hungover from partying the night before, I was feeling the worst due to not having slept a wink all night, getting up and blowing my nose which wasn't just running but partaking in a marathon, leaving me feeling like if I so much as turned my head it would fall off....and we had another posh party in the evening....gads.
Finally, it all reached a head when the last evening, we were meant to be going to the founders house for a party and I physically couldn't go. My joints were in pain and my head felt raw. So whilst everyone else was getting ready, I had a shower, ordered a magnificent meal from room service, and watched 3 films before going to bed at 8 feeling a tiny bit better having had the chance to relax without pressure of having to get ready.
Next day (the day we had to leave) I felt better than I had that entire week. The food, rest and lemsip helped by miles and the size of my breakfast was commented on by one of the South African company members: You MUST be feeling better...my God.
(pancake with syrup, roast potatoes, bacon bits and a selection of fruit...it was goooooood)

So apart from feeling like rubbish, I had a relatively good time, enjoying the sun and being fascinated by the people I was surrounded by (many blondes and at least 3 million dollars worth of face lifts in the hotel itself. I was also reminded why the US love big cars. You can't get any where without one and the roads are HUGE!

The flight back wasn't bad, the films were good, and being back in England, seeing Mum who was great enough to pick me up from the airport and reuniting with Tom was wonderful. On returning to work, the normal schedule resumed, with the impending book signing hanging over my head. This had me Terrified!
I'd organised trains and such for others but I'd never had to sort it out for myself and as I was already innundated with other duties I had more to worry myself about.
I actually forgot I had to book my own ticket until 4 days before hand as I'm so accustomed to receiving e-mails telling me 'please book this at this time returning on blah blah'. This time, however, no one reminded me.
Anyway, chaos ahoy invading my mind, I got things sorted, the ticket costing a little more than I anticipated, but I got it.
The day of the book signing, I felt sick. I was so freaked out at the prospect of spending so long with an author I'd barely spoken to for five minutes I actually didn't feel well, I was so stressed.
I was in uber organised mode, making sure I had everything: addresses, contact numbers, names etc (I had a dream that I'd forgotten my tickets when we arrived at the station...that certainly put a bug in my butt about remembering them!)
The taxi arrived. I set myself to carer mode, got in, collected the author and arrived at Euston an hour early. Not bad but a bit of a pain. Thinking about it though, the time passed very quickly. I was told by the author that I was a lot more organised than one of my predecessor's who'd wanted to buy the tickets 10 minutes before the train they HAD to leave, forcing him to insist he bought them on the train on the way there. I suddenly felt very efficient!
We arrived and it was all go. It went like clockwork. It honestly couldn't have worked better if I wanted it to. Of course there were a couple of times he had to subtly let me know what I should be doing as this was my first time, but I reacted quickly enough so it worked. When it ended, we managed to get a train a lot earlier than I had booked for which was terrific as it meant getting home at 12 rather than 1 in the morning. The book shop owner had wanted us to stay until 10. we had to get back to London that evening...was he having a laugh?
the Author and I had a brilliant laugh on the train, making up jokes and laughing about previous experiences etc. We were joking about the fact that although you get some very level headed people who believe in the spiritual side of the world and understand about certain elements of the world, there's always someone who has to go that little bit further and make others worry. We developed our own private joke, by saying, we were sure one day we would receive a letter or a call from someone saying they were channeling a can of beans and this can would tell them what they had to do to make the world a better place (the next day he came into the office and with a wave of his hand in my direction said 'may the beans be with you' launching me into a fit of laughter much to the confusion of the office).
We dropped him off at his place, I then had another half hour conversation with the taxi driver as we got home (I think I've picked up the family nack for talking to taxi drivers) and I got home to find Tom still awake. I took of my coat and...collapsed. It was all over. The only things I had to worry about were my daily duties and the little odd jobs I had around the office. No more terrified worry about things going wrong to think about for a long time now!
The lead weight I had on my shoulders just disintegrated and fell away.
I'm a little annoyed to say, I think I lost weight from the time we were waiting to travel to America to now (mum pointed out the other day that I seemed thinner and more stressed. Thats probably because I was...big time). However, now I have less to think/worry about I can get myself back on track, concentrate on happier things and just relax. I'm feeling shattered now of course, but at least I can feel tired without thinking 'damn it I've got this in two weeks'.

In conclusion, after a manic month or so.....all is well. the steaming kettle has been taken off the stove and it's cooling....

(I apologise for the slight intenseness of this entry and the somewhat unstructured writing, but I'm still feeling quite drawn from everything)